Moonlight and Magnolias

My Take on Penn State

2011-11-10T14:54:00.001-08:00

With the slow and painful unfolding of events at Penn State, observers are left angry and sickened. Personally, I have been appalled by the lack of direction and focus by this institution. Observers were underwhelmed by the initial inaction of the program, overwhelmed by the drastic firing of Joe Paterno and then underwhelmed again by the lack of further action with regard to the rest of the staff.

My focus was originally, and still remains with this mysterious graduate assistant. His story has suspiciously changed over the years. But first, I’d like to know, what red-blooded human being could observe the anal rape of a child and not immediately rush to his defense? What fully grown, adult male would observe these events and then rush home to his father’s house, too distraught to call the police.

NO.

You risk everything. You stop whatever was happening.

This guy was disturbed into inaction? I don’t believe it.

Furthermore, initial reports claim that he told Joe Paterno that he observed the coach “horsing around.” With this report, Paterno went to his supervisors. Now perhaps Paterno should have done more. Perhaps. But we don’t even know that yet.

Now, this assistant claims that he described the rape to Joe Paterno. This changes everything. But again, we don’t know. His story has changed many times throughout the years.

Here’s what we do know.

A child was being raped by an adult man in a shower. Another adult witnessed these events. That adult rushed home.

Where are his dismissal papers? Where was his late night phone call?

This guy is a loser and a wimp. And he has his job at Penn State.

Moving on…

The new interim coach:

He is from within Paterno’s present coaching staff. So Joe Paterno, after half a decade of service to Penn State, can be dismissed based on swirling allegations that maybe, perhaps he knew more. But again, we don’t know what ANYONE did or didn’t know. What makes us so sure that Paterno should lose his job, yet this new guy was totally out of the loop and should take over. How are we to even know that the rest of the staff wasn’t involved? Yet Paterno takes the hit while instigators and corroborators of child molestation could still be working for the University?

I know everyone has their solution, so here’s mine.

We’ve walked into a very alarming, disturbing and unsure situation. Everywhere we look there’s smoke and mirrors. We’re not sure who did what, who knew what and who instigated what. We don’t have a full list of victims or culprits. We don’t have a full report of who was told what and what any of those people knew.

Thus, we suspend Penn State football for the season. We immediately put every employee in this division on temporary leave of absence. We nip it in the bud and take strong action without placing the blame on one individual and implicating a lifelong reputation of greatness. We offer a refund of tickets to every ticket holder. We provide an opportunity for those ticket holders to donate their reimbursement to a pre-selected organization whose mission is the eradication of child molestation.

By doing this, we have taken immediate and strong action. We have eliminated the opportunity for any child molester or supporter thereof to report to work each day at Penn State. We eliminate the suspicion that offenders are present at the football games for the remaining Saturdays. We have been considerate of victims by immediately setting up a charity assisting victims. And we have done all of these things without specifically implicating the reputation, legacy and continued employment of any specific individual.

We allow the dust to settle. We investigate every possible lead. We get to the bottom of this story and we bring those responsible to swift and serious justice.

But that’s not what’s happened.

As it stands, one man has been fired. A town is in riot. No consideration has been given to the victims, and Penn State has demonstrated that it cares more about proceeding to Saturday’s game rather than systematically and methodically getting to the bottom of this tragedy and providing peace to its victims through a resolution.

Why Law School Makes Us Bad People

2011-11-07T09:42:00.000-08:00

As a third year law student entering into winter exam season, I've decided to reflect back on the last two and a half years and make some quick observations.

Like a foggy dream I remember what it was like to first come to law school. I can just barely remember what my friends and I were like that August. We were ambitious, positive, open-minded and we were able to carry on a social conversation without inserting some lame law humor or mindlessly panicking about how busy we were.

Nowadays our conversations are reduced to incoherent ramblings only discernible by other law school students. College friends are just on the cusp of giving up hope, assuming that we are forever busy, angry and competitive freaks, incapable of uttering a sentence not beginning with "OMG I am SOOO busy." Or how about this fan favorite: "Can we catch up tonight?" Next day: "Sorry, I was outlining. My professor is crazy and doesn't teach us anything so I have to teach myself."

We assume that anyone asking a question is on the offensive and we have to battle back with the best BS laden argument our little brains can come up with.

Guest: "Excuse me, where's the bathroom?"
Student: "Well that depends. There's several. Where are you trying to go with this? Because I'll tell you the answer depending on where you're trying to go. There's a lot of options see, and they're all really good. There are advantages to some. Some bathrooms are cleaner, while others have less of a line. Some of them are closer to where you're standing now. Then, if you're lucky, you might stumble across the one seater bathroom. Depending on which one you chose, there are varying levels of satisfaction that you can achieve after using that bathroom. But then again, it depends on your preference of privacy, proximity or waiting line. So why don't you tell me."

If I had a nickel for every time I've heard or said "have you read?"

Then you have your family to contend with. Merely coming up with a plan for a family Thanksgiving is enough to give any law student heart palpitations.

"Wait, you want me to spend the WHOLE DAY with the family RIGHT BEFORE EXAMS?"

MADNESS!

Oh and remember that time that you thought someone's word was their word and that most marriages last?

Now the mere act of selling a football ticket causes us to go into an automated sequence of "offer, acceptance, consideration..."

Say your Texas friend tells you he's getting a divorce. Naturally, you think, community property state. Adios house in South Padre. Oh whoops, I mean I'm so sorry. Can I do anything?

Ever chatting with a law school student and he immediately goes blank and appears to be thinking of something else? That's because no matter what fact scenario you just gave him, he's thinking about whether or not there was a duty owed and if "we've got a lawsuit on our hands."

I'm telling you, the moment Kim K announced her plans for divorce, my first thought was "wonder how airtight that pre-nup was?" Ok so maybe that wasn't just me...I digress.

So here we are again. Exams are on the horizon. Outline supplements are cropping up everywhere. We've got a caffeine tolerance of a 500 lb... dude...that drinks a lot of coffee? We are incapable of carrying on a normal conversation or participating as a social member of society. Our "non-law school friends'" worry is mounting.

So to all of you people out there, on behalf of law school students everywhere. We are sorry. Give us a little time. We'll be back to normal soon enough.

The Iron Bowl: Our Little Dysfunctional Family

2011-11-07T07:33:00.000-08:00

As a one half member of a house divided, the counterpart of many "friends divided", an Auburn fan resident of Tuscaloosa and an Alabamian with a pulse, I have had the occasion to observe and participate in many of the shenanigans that comprise the little tradition we like to call "THE IRON BOWL".

In light of the ESPN special airing tomorrow, I felt like I needed to add my 2 cents.
http://espn.go.com/espn/espnfilms/story/_/id/6961218/roll-tide-war-eagle

This weekend the football gods opened the heavens and graced us with the opportunity to watch what experts were calling the "Footballcolypse", the "Greatest Game Ever Played" and "The Game to End World Hunger". Two football titans collided in what turned out to be an epic weekend.

And I do mean that literally, check out these fans colliding on the quad.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiUYbtqhzZY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

When the mayhem subsided, the dust cleared, and Alabama's dreams of #14 vanished quicker than a corndog at a cajun tailgate, Bama fans were angry.* And they were angry at...Auburn.

I woke up on Sunday morning and was confronted with social media that was all abuzz with anti-Auburn sentiments. "At least we're still better than Auburn", "I CANT BELIEVE Auburn pulled for LSU, how classless."

I was baffled.

Everyone stop. Hold the phone. What did you say? NOO! Auburn pulled for another SEC team that was playing their rival in a regular season game. Yes indeed! It's true!

Let me tell you why I was baffled. Finding an Alabama fan rooting for Auburn is about as difficult as finding Obama somewhere other than the campaign trail. I remember as a child singing along with Auburn's alma mater and Bama's band piping up with "Old McDonald Had a Farm." Auburn's an Ag school, huh huh huh. They grow things, huh huh huh.

More recently I have observed the mass purchasing of Roll Oregon Ducks Roll paraphernalia and vandalism of Auburn's campus and an ensuing mass t shirt printing enterprise with the caption "Updyke's Tree Service: We Get to the Root of the Problem." I have heard the "F&*k Auburn" chant during Dixieland Delight. (The guy who sings that song is Randy Owen, he's an Auburn fan. War Eagle Randy). When Auburn ended their winning streak in an ugly game against Clemson I tolerated the whole "Roll Dabo Roll." (Auburn: we missed a hell of an opportunity with this kid. People in his neighborhood called him "dat boy" which became abbreviated to "Dabo." That's a little red.) I have seen the "Never All In" buttons printed by the University of Alabama's Bookstore. I have heard "Take the Money and Run" and "Son of a Preacher Man" played at our team as they are warming up.

But you know what I'd tell Auburn fans?

SUCK IT UP.

This is the country's most intense rivalry. Your rival doesn't cheer for you. This isn't a mysterty. In fact, they pull against you. And they celebrate in your demise.

So when Sunday morning arrived and Alabama fans were boo hoo-ing en masse over the fact that Auburn fans were celebratory, I offered the same piece of advice:

SUCK IT UP.

This was the biggest hyped game I have seen in my lifetime.

When there's this much build up, the fall is harder. The more you talk, the more people revel in your demise. It's just the way it works.

Alabama, let me introduce you to a technique that Auburn has employed for years now. One word: SANDBAGGING. Now, I understand that might not be the Championship Winning technique that Paul "Bear" Bryant divined down from Mount Sinai. And my bet is that you wouldn't change that strategy for the world, even given the consequences.

These are two different, yet great schools who have different methods for what they do. And the way they do it makes this rivalry the best, most heated rivalry in the country.

Another thing that makes this rivalry? Family. Friends. More than most other rivals, in this state we are married to our rivals. We are houses divided. We are friendships. We are brothers and sisters. Mothers and daughters. Fathers and sons. We don't go back home to Michigan and complain about the rival that we won't have to deal with again until the next year. We deal with each other every day.

That's what I mean when I say dysfunctional family.

Despite our tree rolling, campus vandalizing, defeat celebrating tendencies, we've made this thing work for a hundred years. When our cross state brethren are hit with a natural disaster, we can mobilize and provide the most steady and up to date aid possible. The very thing that makes us hate is what makes this rivalry great.

And don't go talk about our tradition either. Or else we'll all hate YOU.

Here's my House/Friends/State Divided Survival Strategy:

1. Expect your rival will pull against you to their fullest extent possible. This eliminates the element of surprise.
2. Don't expect your rival to do something you probably wouldn't do yourself. This eliminates the element of disappointment.
3. Don't call each other "classless" when you take turns pulling for each other's opponent. This keeps you from being a hypocrite.
4. Understand this, you will win and you will lose. And both will happen in years you least expect it.
5. Arrive early, stay late, wear your Saturday's best, be loud.

And as always...

6. Glare at someone across the Thanksgiving Day dinner table.

*Disclaimer: THERE'S STILL A CHANCE. I know.